Is the nerve horoscope still being run by Neal Pollack?

I don't know. It just hasn't been as raunchy and witty as it used to be. Still good, but more and more, it sounds like something syndicated in Ladies Home Journal. Nerve, we expect better. After all, not just any horoscope can get away with being called "Your Week in Sex." Compare for yourself below.

Horoscopes October, 2007

Scorpio (Oct. 23-Nov. 21) Can't decide between glittery white angel wings and a sexy red devil costume? Why not choose both? You'll have ample opportunity to showcase both side of your personality this week, Scorpio, as you'll be lucky in love and unusually creative. Can you show us just what a good little devil can be? Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21) Halloween may bring out the ghosts and ghoulies, but for you it will be much more treat than trick. Wednesday will bode well for romance, as well as your living situation. If you've been unsettled at home, things should start to smooth themselves out. And if you've been unsettled in love, you've got a wonderful chance to bring home your very own wicked witch or hot zombie. Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19) Have you been seeing the world in black and white lately, Cap? If life's been feeling grey and gloomy, cheer up. This week brings more treats than tricks, and a colorful infusion of love and creativity. The only darkness you'll be experiencing will be when you turn off the lights, and the stars predict you'll be making the dark a damn sexy place to be. Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18) This would be the perfect week to host a Halloween party, Aquarius, and not just because Halloween is this week and this week alone. The stars predict good friends and good times all week long, especially if you're close to home. If you've been invited to other folks' parties, just make sure to bring a special friend back for the after-party at your house. Pisces (Feb. 19-Mar. 20) Your Halloween costume will be over the top this year, Pisces. Always creative, lately you've been downright inspired. Now your challenge is to take these lofty ideas and give them a solid base. Don't be afraid to experiment and get a little dirty. The same could be said for romance — there should be plenty of opportunity for some loving, so seize it, so to speak. Aries (Mar. 21-Apr. 19) Your vivacious personality normally makes you the life of the party, Aires. But if you've been feeling neglected of late, just know that it's not you — it's them. Really. You didn't suddenly come down with a severe case of halitosis. Your friends have just been busy with their own lives. But with Neptune going direct on October 31, the stars predict your social life will be back where you like it: one big party, with you at the center. Taurus (Apr. 20-May 20) If you thought Neptune was only important as a minor character in The Little Mermaid, think again. Neptune turns direct on Wednesday, and then it's full-speed ahead in terms of your career. If you've been struggling with a stalled job search or project, this week and next month should see a huge turnaround. Enjoy the new beginnings. Shell bikinis and dolphin wrestling optional. Gemini (May 21-Jun. 21) Neptune, that naughty planet, has been in retrograde for months now. But Halloween is bringing more than just carved pumpkins and egg tossing this year. Neptune will turn direct on the 31st, and shine a lovely light on your career and professional reputation. Life will be very exciting, very soon. But you may want to save the "sexy nurse" costume for after-hours, unless you work in a hospital. Cancer (June 21-July 21) True wealth isn't defined by money, right Cancer? It's defined by friendship, love, health . . . blah, blah, blah. Well, this week bodes well for an increase in financial wealth. You might have new benefits at work, pick up a freelance assignment, or receive an inheritance from Great-Aunt Myrtle's estate. Who knew she invented button-fly jeans? Leo (July 22-Aug. 22) This should be a sweet week for you, Leo, and I'm not talking about Halloween candy. No, the planets are simply showering you with love and creativity. You're apt to find your perfect partner, a person who will bring you immeasurable happiness and, if you're lucky, chocolate. Unfortunately, you'll choke on said chocolate and nearly die. Keep that new soulmate nearby for Heimlich purposes. Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 21) Are you entering any costume contests this Halloween? You should. You'll be reaching some creative peaks right around midweek, so make sure to employ all those crafty ideas bumping around in your head, whether it's at work, or a fabulous All Hallow's Eve bash. Oh yes, you should be hitting some fabulous romantic peaks, too. Thank God creativity and passion aren't mutually exclusive. Libra (Sept. 22-Oct. 22) You're not a huge fan of Neptune, but did you know he's a fan of yours? This week, Neptune turns direct for the first time in five months, jumpstarting your romantic life and your creative flow. You might find true love, or spend one wicked hot night with . . . you know, someone wicked hot. At any rate, you should sing Neptune's praises, because this week he's got nothing but treats for you.

Horoscopes March, 2007

MAR 26 - APR 1

	Aries (Mar. 21-Apr. 19) Just like a troubled youth who finds a positive outlet for his aggression in kickboxing, you need to let off some steam before you explode. Things have been bubbling up from your nether regions for some time, and if you're not careful, you'll be knocking over 7-Elevens by week's end. Check this slide into delinquency by expending your energy sexually. Put on some Eminem, hold your breath and balance on one foot as you go at it, before it's too late.
	Taurus (Apr. 20-May 20) A little sensitivity will make this week successful for you. There's nothing worse than making a joke about how you spend all your time naked and jumping off things, only to have someone give you the "you're crazy and freaking me out" look. If they had played that a bit cooler and not hurt my — I mean your — feelings, they'd be in for some good times. Ignore treatment that hurts your feelings and continue doing what you know is right for you.
	Gemini (May 21-Jun. 21) Paying attention to the outside world will bring unexpected sexual benefits this week. Sure, it makes you a good citizen too, but poring over newspapers will yield some tidbit that will improve your sex life dramatically. It could be an advancement in the science of intercourse, a new gadget pertinent to your mid-section, or maybe even a really hot picture of Vladimir Putin you can masturbate to. Who knows? Just get to reading.
	Cancer (June 21-July 21) A good breakfast is very important. You've been skipping it or having a skimpy, nigh-on-useless version lately, and it's taking its toll. You’re sluggish and slow, and you miss a big part of the day. So get up in time to have hearty helpings of eggs, bacon, waffles, penises and vaginas. What? You didn't realize that they were an essential part of a balanced breakfast? Someone hasn't been keeping up with the latest changes to the food pyramid.
	Leo (July 22-Aug. 22) Sharp cries of surprise are the result of your sexual tack this week. Take it easy, let muscles adjust, slide things in in a more leisurely fashion. We know you're a very busy person, but all that haste is uncomfortable to those around you.
	Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 21) Putting your hands in your pockets feels good. The chilly weather has given you reason to fiddle around in there constantly, keeping constant contact with those year-round birthday-presents-from-God. And what else do we find in those pockets? Money! Hooray! Let's spend it! Just know that there are all sorts of fiscal traps for you out there, so try to be careful. Better to leave your hands and money in your pockets. There are way more smiles to be had in there.
	Libra (Sept. 22-Oct. 22) We all like to fantasize about not having things or people we have to do, but that's not life. Duty calls us to clock in and mount those whom we have promised to mount. This week, ignore any chafing you may feel at your sexual responsibilities. Sure, you have to wake up, stretch your muscles into all sorts of shapes and make noises one normally only hears on Meerkat Manor — it's a tough life. But seriously, you get to have really great sex. Is that really such a bother?
	Scorpio (Oct. 23-Nov. 21) Not that you need to wander about in formalwear and a pig mask, but exotic things should feature in your week. I know exotic is a corny kind of word, but re-enacting party scenes from Eyes Wide Shut won't feel as silly as you think. Yes, it's a little creepy, but think for a second about what intercourse really is, and you'll see that a pig mask won't really make any difference.
	Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21) I like proper lighting and precision in my backup dancers, too, but there comes a time to quit fussing with the stage and put on a live sex show for all of America. You're spending too much time with the accoutrements of sex and not enough time doing that act which links you with all the animals; that humping, bumping dance of sweaty life. It may prove difficult, but if you can manage to put down the smoke machine and the ten-speed vibrator, things will go much better.
	Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19) It is time for a heart-to-heart this week with that person you sleep with. I'm not saying you have to sit in the candlelight and sing Tracy Chapman songs to each other, but engage each others emotions this week. If that doesn't work, at least do it facing them and pretend you're doing something meaningful.
	Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18) There's something gleefully smutty about those old 2 Live Crew lyrics. They're juvenile, sure, but sometimes "heads down, ass up, that's the way we like to fuck" seems not so much silly as succinct. Don't be surprised if you're overcome by a certain matter-of-fact junior-high dirtiness this week. Just let it make its way into your bedroom and work its magic the way "Me So Horny" still does on a dance floor.
	Pisces (Feb. 19-Mar. 20) In bed, try not to make like DMX and other rappers who are a smidge too hardcore. Sure, it sounds good in a song, but getting all crazy-aggressive with people's genitals isn't all it's cracked up to be. They may appreciate your enthusiasm, but new bruises on top of old do not a happy crotch make. Mitigate your excitement to safer levels.