Monday, December 28, 2009

I don't care what nerve says....

I think this is pretty damn good!

Friday, December 25, 2009

"Hysteric"

It's a pretty good one, and ideal for those end of years. If only the Yeah Yeah Yeahs had made a video of it!

Monday, December 21, 2009


An Admonition: "While there's life, there's hope." (Cicero)

I feel split between two selves.

One: content and proud to feel useful to the world, beers on 2nd floor white-washed balconies, private dance-a-thons with the ipod on at 2 am, blissful in running, flirtation and smiles, balanced and respected.

The other: restless and disappointed, fucked up erotic dreams about people whom I never had much love for in the past, crying the average 2 hrs a week, angry and avoidant, full of poor coping mechanisms.

This is how I have felt since my teens, and age - while having dulled my initial emotions - has not mitigated this. I wonder if I am both of these personas, and if I always will be. Or is one the real me and the other the abberation? And if so, which is which?

Sunday, December 20, 2009

the new year comes


... and we are all moving on in this elusive life.

Saturday, December 19, 2009

Thoughts on the Inteview Trail


A Prayer: May the good forces that be prevent this post in any way from preventing me from attaining the residency of my dreams.

I've been on the interview trail this month and the last, and it's been something of a jarring experience.

For one, I really hate the process of interviewing. It is so difficult to explain yourself to someone - and to make them love you - in 15 to 30 minutes. What do you focus on? Your personality? Your potential? What if there is a dichotomy between who you are at work and who you are at home? What if you haven't worked out the balance yet (which I haven't)? How can I possibly feel comfortable telling a stranger all of these things when I am too private to tell some of my best friends this?? The solution, of course, is just to present a facade of yourself, something cut and dry, pretty and pressed - and that's why I hate it.

Being on the interview trail, and having little to talk about during the socials besides things related to medicine, also makes me realize - as my friend Ravi says - how NOT FUN we've all become. According to Ravi, the things that used to be fun - the things that other people do - seem trite to him now. To me, it's something even worse - it's not the activities themselves that seem trite, but the excitement of my friends towards these activities. Drinking, flirting, being "artsy" - I find myself getting annoyed with people taking pleasure in these things, and especially if they are proud to be labeled good drinkers, flirts, or artists. I can't relate, and feel, as Andre Gide describes in The Immoralist, "dull, sad, inept, both boring and bored."

When did I become this horrible person? Lacking pleasure in life, convinced that I know more miseries than others, unable to relate? I feel that I need to reconnect with the world, but I simultaneously intuit that this feat cannot be accomplished until I take the proper time to change my own mindset first. I need to feel at peace, I need to get rid of baggage, and I need to be productive and creative again.

Steph might scoff at me for this. Did I learn NOTHING from Loneliness? The alienated and bereft must reach out to others in order to fix themselves. And perhaps she is correct. I still remember the immense gratitude I felt when the random old lady in Long Island recognized my unhappy face and tried to make chitchat with me while I waited for my (late) taxi cab in the bitter cold. I feel bad that I never thanked her. Working other people in, though, is an issue of time, of which I have precious little and obviously I still need work on time management.

There is too much to correct for me to even bother making New Year Resolutions this year.

A Sestina


This lovely piece was found in my bathroom, placed there by my sister. For more about Peter Cole, the author, see here.

"Improvisation on Lines by Isaac the Blind"

Only by sucking, not by knowing,

can the subtle essence by conveyed -

sap of the word and the world's flowing

that raises the scent of the almond blossoming,

and yellows the bulbul in the olive's jade.

Only by sucking, not by knowing.

The grass and the oxalis by the pines growing

are luminous in us - petal and blade -
as sap of the word and the world's flowing;

a flicker rising from embers glowing;

light trapped in the tree's sweet braid

of what it was sucking. Not by knowing


is the amber honey of persimmon drawn in.

An anemone piercing the clover persuades me -
sap of the word and the world is flowing

across separation, through wisdom's bestowing,

and in that persuasion choices are made:
But only by sucking, not by knowing

that sap of the word through the world is flowing.

Monday, December 14, 2009

Today in useful studies

"Falling TV Deaths Remain Concern Amid LCD Fad"

Quick, somebody get the government to take away all old TVs! FOR THE CHILDREN!

Saturday, December 12, 2009

New ACOG Cervical Cancer Guidelines and NE Interviews


New cervical cancer screening guidelines have been put forth by ACOG. Some highlights;

  • Cervical cancer screening should begin at age 21 regardless of age at onset of sexual activity.
  • Cervical cytology screening from age 21 to 29 is recommended every 2 years but should be more frequent in women who are HIV-positive, are immunosuppressed, were exposed in utero to diethylstilbestrol, or have been treated for cervical intraepithelial neoplasia (CIN) 2, 3 or cervical cancer.
  • Women aged 30 or older who have three consecutive negative screens and who do not fit the above criteria for more-frequent screening may be tested every 3 years. Co-testing with cervical cytology and high-risk HPV typing is also appropriate; if both tests are negative, rescreening in 3 years is warranted.
  • Cervical cancer screening is unnecessary in women who have undergone hysterectomies for benign disease and who have no histories of CIN.
  • Discontinuation of screening after age 65 or 70 is reasonable in women with 3 or more negative consecutive tests and no cervical abnormalities during the previous decade.
  • Women with histories of CIN 2, 3 or cancer should undergo annual screening for 20 years after treatment.
  • HPV vaccination does not change these recommendations.
I'm publishing this post partially so I will remember these new guidelines as well.

Meanwhile, I'm having a lot of fun on the interview trail, even if it is somewhat exhausting. Walked around Rockefeller Center with some friends today, and it was nice that they came out, even if they were sick. About to watch a movie and eat Chinese take-out with old friends - it's nice to relieve college as an adult :-)