ah, the wonderful, incandescent, gleeful "Landslide Baby" by Beulah
Monday, October 29, 2007
because everything I listen to, you must too
Is the nerve horoscope still being run by Neal Pollack?
I don't know. It just hasn't been as raunchy and witty as it used to be. Still good, but more and more, it sounds like something syndicated in Ladies Home Journal. Nerve, we expect better. After all, not just any horoscope can get away with being called "Your Week in Sex." Compare for yourself below.
Horoscopes October, 2007
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Horoscopes March, 2007
Aries (Mar. 21-Apr. 19) Just like a troubled youth who finds a positive outlet for his aggression in kickboxing, you need to let off some steam before you explode. Things have been bubbling up from your nether regions for some time, and if you're not careful, you'll be knocking over 7-Elevens by week's end. Check this slide into delinquency by expending your energy sexually. Put on some Eminem, hold your breath and balance on one foot as you go at it, before it's too late. | |
Taurus (Apr. 20-May 20) A little sensitivity will make this week successful for you. There's nothing worse than making a joke about how you spend all your time naked and jumping off things, only to have someone give you the "you're crazy and freaking me out" look. If they had played that a bit cooler and not hurt my — I mean your — feelings, they'd be in for some good times. Ignore treatment that hurts your feelings and continue doing what you know is right for you. | |
Gemini (May 21-Jun. 21) Paying attention to the outside world will bring unexpected sexual benefits this week. Sure, it makes you a good citizen too, but poring over newspapers will yield some tidbit that will improve your sex life dramatically. It could be an advancement in the science of intercourse, a new gadget pertinent to your mid-section, or maybe even a really hot picture of Vladimir Putin you can masturbate to. Who knows? Just get to reading. | |
Cancer (June 21-July 21) A good breakfast is very important. You've been skipping it or having a skimpy, nigh-on-useless version lately, and it's taking its toll. You’re sluggish and slow, and you miss a big part of the day. So get up in time to have hearty helpings of eggs, bacon, waffles, penises and vaginas. What? You didn't realize that they were an essential part of a balanced breakfast? Someone hasn't been keeping up with the latest changes to the food pyramid. | |
Leo (July 22-Aug. 22) Sharp cries of surprise are the result of your sexual tack this week. Take it easy, let muscles adjust, slide things in in a more leisurely fashion. We know you're a very busy person, but all that haste is uncomfortable to those around you. | |
Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 21) Putting your hands in your pockets feels good. The chilly weather has given you reason to fiddle around in there constantly, keeping constant contact with those year-round birthday-presents-from-God. And what else do we find in those pockets? Money! Hooray! Let's spend it! Just know that there are all sorts of fiscal traps for you out there, so try to be careful. Better to leave your hands and money in your pockets. There are way more smiles to be had in there. | |
Libra (Sept. 22-Oct. 22) We all like to fantasize about not having things or people we have to do, but that's not life. Duty calls us to clock in and mount those whom we have promised to mount. This week, ignore any chafing you may feel at your sexual responsibilities. Sure, you have to wake up, stretch your muscles into all sorts of shapes and make noises one normally only hears on Meerkat Manor — it's a tough life. But seriously, you get to have really great sex. Is that really such a bother? | |
Scorpio (Oct. 23-Nov. 21) Not that you need to wander about in formalwear and a pig mask, but exotic things should feature in your week. I know exotic is a corny kind of word, but re-enacting party scenes from Eyes Wide Shut won't feel as silly as you think. Yes, it's a little creepy, but think for a second about what intercourse really is, and you'll see that a pig mask won't really make any difference. | |
Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21) I like proper lighting and precision in my backup dancers, too, but there comes a time to quit fussing with the stage and put on a live sex show for all of America. You're spending too much time with the accoutrements of sex and not enough time doing that act which links you with all the animals; that humping, bumping dance of sweaty life. It may prove difficult, but if you can manage to put down the smoke machine and the ten-speed vibrator, things will go much better. | |
Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19) It is time for a heart-to-heart this week with that person you sleep with. I'm not saying you have to sit in the candlelight and sing Tracy Chapman songs to each other, but engage each others emotions this week. If that doesn't work, at least do it facing them and pretend you're doing something meaningful. | |
Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18) There's something gleefully smutty about those old 2 Live Crew lyrics. They're juvenile, sure, but sometimes "heads down, ass up, that's the way we like to fuck" seems not so much silly as succinct. Don't be surprised if you're overcome by a certain matter-of-fact junior-high dirtiness this week. Just let it make its way into your bedroom and work its magic the way "Me So Horny" still does on a dance floor. | |
Pisces (Feb. 19-Mar. 20) |
GRR
I am so apathetic towards my next test. I just want to sleep. I'd rather spend time looking for my iPod and flash drive, both of which I lost this weekend (incredibly sucky). I need to work out but hate doing it without loud, pounding music. I want to go to costume Halloween parties, but it looks more and more like Halloween is going to be a bust for me this year. My bangs need to grow the fuck out. I miss my family. I am sick of everyone being so distant and bitchy, me included. I want to sun. I want to visit a museum, and look at art (like this guy's). I want to read non-medicine related books. My book list is growing longer each day, and I am impotent to even start on it: Oracle Bones, Cathedral, Golden Compass, Sand Country Almanac, American Studies, Sacred Work, Random Families, Aging with Grace, Three Kingdoms... I feel behind on everything. I feel old. I feel abnormal.
I know, I whine. But I can't help it. I need a break.
Sunday, October 28, 2007
MSFC Conference
Went to the Medical Students for Choice conference this weekend with some fabulous girls. It was a great trip, both before and during the conference. Some highlights for those who wanted to come but couldn't:
- Pro-choice students who want to continue to be involved with reproductive choice need to pick a good residency
- Religious hospital mergers may prohibit you from performing procedures that are the medically indicated standard of care
- Hostile work environments won't give you the family planning training that you need
- Conservative communities will lack the staff to help you deliver the indicated standard of care. Here are some actual cases that have been reported:
- A pharmacist who refuses to fill a minor's prescription for Plan B and who won't give her back the prescription to bring to another pharmacy
- An ER doc won't give a rape victim EC even though she asks for it
- A nurse won't provide a patient with an emergency cesarean because she believes it would result in the death of the fetus, and leaves the patient "standing in a pool of blood" instead
- A fertility specialist denies seeing your patient because she doesn't believe that a lesbian should have babies
- The ultrasound technician believes your patient will get an abortion once she sees how serious her pregnancy complications are, and preemptively gives your patient a lecture on how abortion is morally wrong
- Student Health wont' give your HIV (+) patient condoms
- How do you pick a choice-supportive residency?
- Look at MSFC's residency guide
- Ask up-front during your interview what their curriculum covers in the area of family planning and reproductive choice
- Ask how long your family planning training is (1 week is NOT enough)
- Ask if the hospital is religiously affiliated and if so, what restrictions come with it
- Get a feel for the politics of the people you will be working with most
- A good place to find a list of pro-choice religious denominations is through the Religions Coalition for Reproductive Choice (RCRC)
- Dr. Middleton -whom I worked with at Feminists this summer - gave a wonderful talk on reproductive healthcare for the primary care doctor. I highly recommend doing the MSFC externship, and having an opportunity to work with her yourself. Through the externship, you will learn first-hand
- Laws regarding abortion care in Georgia (sneak preview here)
- How medical and 1st and 2nd trimester abortions are performed
- Who pays for abortions (hint: probably not Medicare)
- How pre- and post-abortion counseling works
- Who are the women who get abortions?
- IPAS Workshop on 1st Trimester Abortion
Also, a recommended reading list (which I myself need to get to at some point):
- Sacred Work: About the history of Planned Parenthood and supportive clergy
- Random Family: A good look at how difficult it is for disadvantaged women to get the family planning they desire
*Disclaimer: All these opinions are mine, and mine alone, and do not represent MSFC or any other organization*
Cathedral
Going through Raymond Carver's book of short stories Cathedral again. All I remember from the last time (read quickly at an airport about 3 years ago) was that story "Where I'm Calling From," and how the last few paragraphs of that story inspired me to cry brokenly about the beauty of doomed relationships for days. Funny thing is, I re-read it today and the ending of this version isn't like how I remember it at all.
Where did those lines come from? Did I just make it up?
I still love Raymond Carver's All of Us (a book of semi-autobiographical poetry) but not as much as I used to. Am I growing further from the emotional tumult that was Carver's life? Have I passed the point of potentially becoming an alcoholic? (Cathedral, by the way, is a terrific book to read if you want to know what it's like to be an alcoholic, from an alcoholic's mind). Is this maturity or apathy?
I feel like I'm changing, but I can't tell if it's toward the person I want to be or not. :-/
This is just hilarious
copied from nerve, of course...
If the government ever brings back Prohibition, parties will get so much better. See: Mame, Some Like it Hot, The Untouchables, Idlewild, Mrs. Parker and the Vicious Circle | |
If you're going to solve a murder, you either need lots of hard liquor or a ridiculous accent. Clearly, the liquor is the way to go. See: The Big Sleep, The Maltese Falcon, The Thin Man, Chinatown, Fargo, Murder She Said, Charlie Chan Carries On | |
Humphey Bogart only drinks because he cares. See: Casablanca, The African Queen, The Big Sleep | |
Drinking + cowboys + horses = hilarious. See: True Grit, Cat Ballou | |
Drinking + cowboys + guns = less hilarious. See: Unforgiven | |
Warning: drinking to excess can result in hangovers, dehydration, marriage. See: How to Murder Your Wife, Mame, Laws of Attraction, Warm Summer Rain | |
Don't let Kim Basinger drink. See: Blind Date, 8 Mile, My Stepmother is an Alien | |
Do let Marilyn Monroe drink. See: The Seven Year Itch, Some Like it Hot, The Misfits | |
Friends don't let friends drive drunk. Unless those friends are conspiring to murder you. See: North by Northwest, The Postman Always Rings Twice | |
Always order Pinot. Do not drink any fucking Merlot. See: Sideways | |
There's no point being sober in a Santa suit. See: Bad Santa, Trading Places, The Ref | |
If your friend is really judgmental about your drinking habits, he or she is probably a far more entertaining drunk than you are. See: Old School, Can't Hardly Wait, 10 Things I Hate About You, Guys and Dolls | |
The important thing when making a cocktail is the rhythm. A Manhattan you shake to fox-trot time, a Bronx to two-step time, a dry martini you always shake to waltz time. See: The Thin Man | |
Did you ever try dunking a potato chip in champagne? It's crazy! See: The Seven Year Itch | |
Get drunk when you're fighting with someone and you'll end up standing outside their window, yelling their name. See: A Streetcar Named Desire, The Philadelphia Story | |
If a bartender lets you drink for free every night, he's probably a hallucination. See: The Shining | |
Going to catch a giant killer shark is a great occasion to get drunk. See: Jaws | |
No one delivers a monologue better than a half-crazy drunk guy. See: Network, Jaws, Dr. Strangelove | |
If a woman can out-drink the locals, she's a keeper. See: Raiders of the Lost Ark | |
Old-school James Bond: vodka martini, shaken not stirred. Twenty-first century James Bond: three measures of Gordon's, one of vodka, half a measure of Kina Lillet, shaken over ice, with a thin slice of lemon peel. See: Casino Royale | |
Drunks are the happiest people alive. See: Any movie made before 1945. |