Jonas Brothers - What's the big deal??

I'm (half-heartedly) watching the VMAs right now, and lo and behold, the new tween pop sensation is on - JONAS BROTHERS. Honestly, I do NOT understand why they're so freakin' popular. I know that I'm not exactly their target audience, being in the bitter 20s, but the adoration they receive is NAUSEATING. Case in point: the VMAs had 1000 screaming girls chasing them as part of their act, and those girls sure looked thrilled to be that creepy. Below are my Top 3 Reasons why the Jonas Brothers are not all that:

1. Obviously amateur song-writing.

Let's quote from this song: "Ooh, this is an SOS, don't wanna second guess, this is the bottom line, it's true I gave my all to you, now my heart's in two, and I can't find the other half." Mind you, this is a song that starts off lamenting the fact that his girlfriend brought her friends to a date. That sucks, but dude, it didn't sound like it was that deep of a relationship to begin with, and certainly not one that you could give all your heart into. I mean, seriously, I know you're only, like, 14, but even at 14, you should know that annoying friends don't qualify as a traumatic, heartbreaking occurence. You know what it sounds like, Nick Jonas? It sounds like you have crappy taste in women.... and your pathetic riffs and jumping around in a faux-emo pink shirt and tie won't make up for that. Also, you blatantly ripped off from Annie Lennox in the third stanza - "Walking on Broken Glass" is HER line, bitches.

2. Cliche and insincere. Let's quote from another popular song of theirs, "Burnin' Up": "I can't hold myself back - high heels, red dress." What, did you just watch The Matrix? This is such a stereotypical image of a "sexy" woman, and in any case, I don't see why the wholesome, family friendly Jonas Brothers would be shooting their cream over a vamp like that. Unless, of course, they're not really that wholesome (see critique #3). The point is, unless you lead a completely vapid and boring existence, there are a hella lot more things to sing about besides a pin-up. A lot more DEEP things to sing about. Why don't you pick out some actually meaningful experiences, and a song with some depth to it? Listen to some Dar Williams for godsake.

3. Irritatingly smug about their chastity vows. I'll be honest about this: this is probably my top pet peeve about Evangelical Christians. Is it really that much of an accomplishment to abstain until marriage (especially if you get married by 23 like most of these guys)? Does it really make you a proper Christian, or does it just mean that you have standards like many other people in the world? In my humble opinion, it's pretty weak to have to wear a ring to remind yourself to be chaste. Or to make sure other people know you're not the type to bang their brains out tonight. Should that not be obvious already if you're such a good Christian?

Moral of this post: Jonas Brothers, pssht. It's all about Hanson, baby! Now THAT shit is deep!!