Thoughts on the Inteview Trail

A Prayer: May the good forces that be prevent this post in any way from preventing me from attaining the residency of my dreams.

I've been on the interview trail this month and the last, and it's been something of a jarring experience.

For one, I really hate the process of interviewing. It is so difficult to explain yourself to someone - and to make them love you - in 15 to 30 minutes. What do you focus on? Your personality? Your potential? What if there is a dichotomy between who you are at work and who you are at home? What if you haven't worked out the balance yet (which I haven't)? How can I possibly feel comfortable telling a stranger all of these things when I am too private to tell some of my best friends this?? The solution, of course, is just to present a facade of yourself, something cut and dry, pretty and pressed - and that's why I hate it.

Being on the interview trail, and having little to talk about during the socials besides things related to medicine, also makes me realize - as my friend Ravi says - how NOT FUN we've all become. According to Ravi, the things that used to be fun - the things that other people do - seem trite to him now. To me, it's something even worse - it's not the activities themselves that seem trite, but the excitement of my friends towards these activities. Drinking, flirting, being "artsy" - I find myself getting annoyed with people taking pleasure in these things, and especially if they are proud to be labeled good drinkers, flirts, or artists. I can't relate, and feel, as Andre Gide describes in The Immoralist, "dull, sad, inept, both boring and bored."

When did I become this horrible person? Lacking pleasure in life, convinced that I know more miseries than others, unable to relate? I feel that I need to reconnect with the world, but I simultaneously intuit that this feat cannot be accomplished until I take the proper time to change my own mindset first. I need to feel at peace, I need to get rid of baggage, and I need to be productive and creative again.

Steph might scoff at me for this. Did I learn NOTHING from Loneliness? The alienated and bereft must reach out to others in order to fix themselves. And perhaps she is correct. I still remember the immense gratitude I felt when the random old lady in Long Island recognized my unhappy face and tried to make chitchat with me while I waited for my (late) taxi cab in the bitter cold. I feel bad that I never thanked her. Working other people in, though, is an issue of time, of which I have precious little and obviously I still need work on time management.

There is too much to correct for me to even bother making New Year Resolutions this year.